1001 Insomniac Nights

So I pulled up to Baskin Robbins five minutes before closing time.

I love doing this.

The drive-thru speaker crackled to life. “Welcome to Baskin Robbins. May I take your order please?” I could tell by the girl’s voice that she really wanted me to go away; or at least order something quick and easy. But what fun would that be?

“Yeah, can you give me a minute?”

“Sure, take all the time you need.”

I counted out two minutes, slowly. “Okay, I think I got it.”

“Go ahead.”

“Alright, I need a Pina-Colata smoothie, large size.” They didn’t have that one anymore. If the girl was new she’d be looking helplessly at the manager. “And then I need a Strawberry-Banana smoothie. Make that one a regular.”

“Alright, your total is-”

“Hold on, I have more.”

Stunned silence. This late at night, two, not one, but two of the most complicated drinks on the menu was more than enough.

“And,” I continued, “I need a brownie a la mode. Do I get to choose my ice-creams?”

“Yes sir, you do.” I could practically hear her patience splintering.

“Great. Could I get a scoop of vanilla and…” Wait a good thirty seconds. “Make it two scoops of vanilla.” The flavors it came with anyway. “And then I need a banana split. Can I choose those flavors, too?”

“Yes,” she grated out. She’d crack soon. Any second now, I’d be hearing profanities.

“Great! Can I get chocolate, strawberry, and…” Wait another twenty seconds, just long enough for them to decide the dumb-ass was going to order vanilla and start scooping it. “And then a scoop of Jamoca Almond Fudge.”

“Okay,” the poor girl was making one last valiant attempt to stay polite. “Please, pull around for your total.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” I complained. “Don’t I get to choose my toppings?”

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry…” She sounded close to my tears.

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I tried to sound angry. “I want to speak with the manager.”

The box went silent and when it came back to life, it was Holly and she sounded pissed. “And a good evening to you, too, you bastard.”

“Hi!” I called cheerfully.

“Like I already don’t have enough to deal with, without you showing up and harassing us!”

“That took longer than usual. Is that girl new?”

“Yes, she is. It’s her first day in fact.”

“Oh, c’mon, I just wanted some ice cream.”

“Sure you did. Just pull around already. I’m making you buy those smoothies, by the way.”

I chuckled and drove around. There was still a car at the window when I got there, so she probably had a right to be upset. Once it left, I took its place. As I did, I noticed Holly was still yelling angrily at the speaker. “The joke’s over, so will you just pull around already? I don’t have time for you to dick around!” She looked over and did a double take when she saw me. She thought for a moment, ignoring the warbling voice on the other end, then clicked the speaker back on. “Wait, you’re not him, are you?”

“No,” the male voice answered. “That’s what I’ve been trying-”

Holly exploded. “Then why the hell are you getting ice-cream in the middle of the night, dumb-ass? There’s a Kroger a block away, so why don’t you go get your goddamn chocolate there and get the hell out of my drive-thru! We’re closed.”

“Now wait just a second lady-” the voice began angrily.

“Oh, go screw yourself!” she said, then clicked the speaker off.

She looked at me with an exhausted sigh. “Some people!” she said.