Okay, I’ve seen this around way too many times, and I am utterly sick of it.
I don’t have a problem with the whole list. There’s some good stuff there. But, believe you me, it has problems.
Now, while I have an issue, as a reader, with #2 (Never use prologues, he says. I like reading prologues, I say.), the issue I have the biggest problem with is #3 – Never use any word other than “said” to carry dialogue. Of course, this also brings in #4, as well, where you never use an adverb with “said”.
For the record, back before I ever put pen to paper, I read a dialogue heavy novel and realized how powerful a tool dialogue could be. I also realized that “said” could be replaced by dozens of other alternatives, helpfully supplied by the English Language, that all have more details attached to them. “Whispered” meant something was said quietly. “Hissed” had a serpentine aspect, if you wanted to imply deception or evil intent. “Bellowed,” denoted a boisterous personality, noisy, oblivious, and happy. “Shot back,” meant your character was being antagonistic with their response, even if the words themselves were polite. I could go on and on, but my point is that an alternative to “said” could hand your reader information about the character and their emotions without ever having to break dialogue. I consider this to be an efficiency of words, and something a good writer would do well to develop.
In the foolishness of youth, I reached the conclusion that you should never, ever, use the word “said”, because there was always a better alternative. Now, obviously, I don’t believe that anymore. But it’s a stylistic choice. My fantasy novel makes liberal use of alternatives to “said.” My more mainstream, “quick and dirty” web-serial, 1001 Insomniac Nights, uses primarily “said,” with the occasional “replied” and “sneered” to break up the monotony.
“Said”, as my wife relayed to me from her friend, is invisible. It’s like water. It’s useful, but it carries no weight. The alternatives, generously supplied to us by the language itself, have substance of their own.
Seriously, synonyms are one of the English language’s strengths. We’d be fools not to use them.
Now, I also protest to only using “said” because sometimes the work itself insists you use something else. Prose has a rhythm, a distinctive and insistent rhythm. And I listen to this rhythm, because it defines my writing. Too many times, a line simply hasn’t read right with just the word “said.” “Answered” was simply necessary for the flow of the paragraph.
I refuse to believe that our society has fallen so far that even in our dialogue we have to use a one syllable word above all others. I refuse to believe that using “blurted out” instead of “said” will confuse my reader.
And now, the fun part: Proving my point.
Let’s say I’m writing a scene where I have two characters standing in a crowded hall. One of them says to the other, “Who is that tart with the King?” Now, if I just write, “Beatrice said, ‘Who is that tart with the King?’” I tell my reader that she just blithely blurts that out. This leaves her open to being overheard, leading to possible intrigue and accusations of treason. Now, obviously, a sane person would say this under her breath. But is Beatrice sane? What if she’s the first sane person we’ve met in the novel? What if you just met her? What if she’s sane, but she ranks higher than the King, or has some black-mail on the King, and wants to show it off? Or maybe the point is that the kingdom is particularly lax and no-one cares if someone bad-mouths the King’s fling-of-the-week. These are questions that an intelligent reader will be wondering, upon reading that Beatrice speaks without bothering to muffle her voice.
“Ah ha!” says I. “I have to let my reader know that she’s sane, she doesn’t have naked pictures of the King, and speaking out of turn is not kosher.” Therefore, I have to imply that she pitches her voice low. I’d love to make this easy and say, “Beatrice whispered, ‘Who is that tart with the King?’” But I have to contend with Rule #3. So what about “Beatrice said quietly, ‘Who is that tart with the King.’” But wait! that violates the almighty rule #4. So what about, “Beatrice said, her voice pitched too low for any but Hero to hear, ‘Who is that tart with the King?’” There we go! And I only had to use eleven more words to accomplish that than if I had simply been willing to violate the almighty rule #3! What an accomplishment!
Wait! Maybe I should have used physical actions to imply that she’s whispering? What about, “Beatrice nudged Hero gently with her elbow and said, ‘Who is that tart with the King?’” That works. The action of nudging with the elbow implies exchanging a secret, keeping her voice low. Or maybe even, “Beatrice leaned close to Hero’s ear, cupping her hand over her mouth, and said, “Who is that tart with the King?” That works too! There’s no question she’s attempting to hide her words.
Of course, both these actions are implied with the word, “whispered.” And I’m still using at least seven more words. So, no, that’s not better.
Seriously, do I have to cite more examples? I’m not even going to bother getting into double entendres or words, like the rarely used “thanks”, that can be said with different inflections. Because it’s not like people have ever mistaken a person’s meaning on live-journals or instant messages because of a lack of tone of voice. It’s not like emoticons weren’t brought into existence so people could tell the difference between malicious and facetious. Oh, wait…
Look, I get it. Sometimes “said” is simple, concise, and and therefore perfect. I understand. I use it, often, for that very reason. But to imply that an author practicing intelligent word conservation is somehow flawed or amateurish because they’re trying to streamline their work? That’s just stupid.